Oh yes i do.
Was watching an episode of the american idol 8 (yes, this is definitely a sign of being a tv junkie), and one of the contestants who was really not very impressionable to me, just so totally looked hot when he sang the song Falling Slowly. For a sec, i wished that I was the girl he was singing to.
From there, I started fantasizing about how i’d so melt if some guy serenade that song to me ( with feelings of course) or any other silly girlie sucker songs like, “Have you ever really loved a woman” or “Endless Love”, quoting these since I just heard them, I would just so melt. Add on a guitar or piano playing skills. HAHA! Those thoughts really brought me back to feeling like a silly young girl again.
But of course, I have never been courted or dated someone really musically talented when I was a young girl. Sure, here and there, were guys who could play a little guitar, but no one who actually loved me enough and was at the same time talented enough to serenade me. Maybe that’s why that idea seems so desirable.
I play a lot with these silly and trivial thoughts because I am lonely person. But nowadays, whenever i feel the pain of loneliness, I remind myself that everyone in this world feels loneliness now and then. It’s not a specific emotion to me. But of course, finding no other ways to relieve this pain (like talking to close friends/family - i have none), I’d find channels to cope with it. Writing is a nice one. It helps me reflect. Helps me remember. Helps me forget. Other channels, of course, I would not be comfortable writing it out here. But I know every day as a I grow older, I fear that I may one day become schizophrenic.
Another thing I miss about being young is the fact that I can’t just drown my sorrows via drinking & pill popping anymore. The body ain’t what it used to be. Instead of being happy high, I have to throw up all night. Instead of happy high, I get anxiety attacks when it gets difficult to breathe. Smoking is digusting. I can never understand anyone’s need to smoke. What other vices am I left with? None. Shit. This is what growing up is really about.
